Top 5 Regrets Of The Dying
TOP 5 REGRETS OF THE DYING - By Bonnie Ware
For many years I worked in palliative care.
My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared.
I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it,
it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late.
Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
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7 comments
Kluke
Charleston, SOUTH CAROLINA United States
This is very true! I think that's why a lot of us come here to Soulneeds! We all want to venture out there, and find whatever inspiration we can to help us move forward in life; whether it be to "right the wrongs", or to "pursue a dream" or just to seek some added motivation and encouragement to get through our day.
mellie503
lori2dance,
I also really appreciated your post. I have lived first-hand, the truth to the benefits of living simply. Theroux had it right when he said "simplify, simplify, simplify". Stuff weighs us down. We are spiritual bodies weighted down by physical bodies. The more material we attach to our already physical body, the more that accumulation makes us sick. If we leave room to enjoy the simple things, i.e. family, we don't have room for the regrets. The simple things are those that come naturally to us. To love and forgive feels right and we feel good when we do what's right.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
arod525
Lori2dance...that was an exceptional, and heartfelt comment you left. Thank you. Wishing you a life of abundance filled with "life's lessons" . You definitely have the heart to handle it all!
Happy Holidays
Leap of faith
Brooklyn, New York United States
Thank you for sharing this... trying to help someone who has just lost his mom and this will help put things into perspective for him. She did not have these regrets at the end of her life...it took her that long to express her feelings of love to her son but she did it and it made the world of difference to him. Not many people can say they have no regrets but I know that she had none ... she always did things the way she chose and she did not back down. May her soul rest in peace!
Riverman
London United Kingdom
Areas of Interest:
Becoming:
what I always was.Really interesting and important. But one lesson comes out of this 'loud and clear' - don't make your *work* your 'dream'. There are so many people out there trying to convince us that really what we dream for is 'success' - playing on our hopes that success might bring us that we don't already have. But all of these regrets of the dying are things we already have - without this fabled 'success': the capacity to live a life true to ourselves, the choice to work less and make do with a simpler life (with less 'stuff'), the possibility of learning to express our feelings, the ability to pick up the phone and reconnect with old friends and the opportunity to be happier. So do it now, before it's too late...!
metuka1
London England
thank you an important life lesson!
lori2dance
I had the horrible experience of losing a child. I was angry at God, boy was i angry...but, after the tears stopped and that took a couple of years, I started to see losing her made me feel very "alive". In a sense that I wanted to die too but, I didn't and I needed to know why God gave me this experience and lesson. Well, It came too me...that life is a gift, and the people in our lives are uniquely yours and are to be cherished, forgiven, and loved. My perspective is different, I know this because I forgive easily and love more. Things don't matter.....money comes and goes....but the experiences with the people in your life is what makes your life....yours. I will have no regrets because I know hope is around the corner, and to get love, you give it.
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